Because of my predilection for the paranormal, they addressed questions with a supernatural bent....
LR: Given the recent increase in preternatural activity, will you be adding a Paranormal Division to the Department of Homeland Security?
PB/KL: The whole damn department is a paranormal division. It’s a Frankenstein grown on this country whose only purpose is to feed itself and attempt to justify its existence by grabbing more power at every opportunity. It’s not enough that TSA (part of DHS) took over airport security, made a sweetheart deal with DHS Director Chertoff for the strip-search scanners that can’t tell balls from bombs, and insists on groping people for underwear bombs which would be barely big enough to set their cuffs and collars on fire, now they have TSA agents stopping people randomly on our nation’s highways. Enough is enough.
We would absolutely not expand the Department of Homeland Security. We would eliminate it as a redundant bureaucracy because we already have an FBI, which has provisions for reporting any foreign intelligence they happen upon to the CIA, which, in turn, has provisions for reporting domestic intelligence they happen upon to the FBI. Enough worthless bureaucracy, already.
LR: Do you think Slayers should be given extra credit in school or at least be exempt from PE classes?
PB/KL: We actually feel that Slayers would be great candidates for home schooling because most of their work is done at night so they have inconvenient hours for attending school. Think of that heavy load poor Buffy carried. Their slaying activities would be their PE class. They could earn credit by either slaying 500 vampires or closing one Hellmouth. We would emphasize, however, that Ivy League schools only accept the closing of a Hellmouth for their admissions qualifications.
LR: With all his years of experience and opportunities for observation, will the Ghost in Lincoln's bedroom be made part of the cabinet?
PB/KL: Lincoln was one bright and gutsy guy. He made many unpopular decisions for the good of the nation. We need that kind of commitment to our country so he would absolutely be part of the cabinet.
We would make him the Director of Homeland Security because when we’re through with that department, it will be equally dead. He can guard it in the afterlife and make sure it does not return in a stronger, mutated form.
LR: Would you support an Equal Rights Amendment for post-life minority groups? How about for the dual-natured?
PB/KL: No. When you consider the droves of zombies that have taken over every government agency and Congress, the post-lifers are not a minority at all. And as for the dual natured, we see them as being like those people who hold dual citizenship. At the age of 18, they need to choose, unless, of course, they live in Chicago, at which time they may register to vote as two separate people.
PB/KL: We’re going to make it a big indie book store and put Bob Mayer in charge. They know him there already, and he can fill it with his own books, so it should work well for all parties concerned.
LR: Will there be increased funding for the application of scientific principles to paranormal fields of research?
PB/KL: No. We’ll turn it into a reality show. We’ll call it Scientific American. Paranormal researchers can compete to show the public their various projects, and the winners will get funding for their research. But we can’t promise that they will be taken seriously.
LR: Should cryptozoology and spiritualism be taught in schools alongside evolution and creationism?
PB/KL: We prefer that kids learn to read first before we ask them to actually think about anything. Besides, any beliefs that are not hard science based on measurable facts should not be taught in schools. They should be debated on street corners by homeless people, just like they always have been.
LR: What are your plans for dealing with the Zombie Apocalypse?
PB/KL: We will issue nude pictures of Rush Limbaugh and Janet Napolitano to all of the living. Don’t worry. We will have the safe side clearly labeled, “Point other side toward enemy.” Upon flashing these pictures, zombies will rip out their own eyes and start eating themselves or fall back in their graves to get away. If any of the living still want to stick around after seeing these pictures, themselves, they should stock up on ammo and Twinkies.
Our sincere thanks to Liv for hosting us here at her blog today. It’s been an honor.
If you would like to host a Bayard/Lamb 2012 Campaign Blog Tour Stop, please email Piper at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Bayard/Lamb 2012 – Because We’re Not the Other Guys